A week in ancedotes

Dear All, tales of my rather splendid time in Shanghai are on temporary hold as I wish to share with you the week that I have just had the pleasure of passing through. All in all an average week but with a few small occurrences that I hope you will enjoy :)

The Market

I have taken to frequenting a large undercover market near the Bond Institute to fulfil my various fruit, veg and unidentified animal body part requirements. ( I lie, I can now identify 'intestine' after a good ol' miming session with the butcher). In any case, we have now reached the point where the stall owners now recognise me (although I am one of about five westerners who come in each week, I ignore this fact and continue feeling special). Our chinglish banter is improving; I think I have successfully commented on the weather and received a socially correct response. I am an Englishwoman beginning to feel at home.

Yet, despite the increase in communication I am baffled by the fact that, without fail, upon approaching the stall and selecting one choice veg, I will be offered a cucumber. Today, out of curiosity I bought the damn thing, expecting fireworks or at least a hidden message on the inside a la Davinci Code. But so far, nada. I'll put it in a sandwich tomorrow and see if I sprout wings. I will keep y'all informed. Something interesting may turnip.

I don't mean to be going on about vegetables shallot ,so  we shall move on…..

Church

Yes! I found a church within the backstreets of Xiaolan and headed over for the first time Sunday past. I was greeted at the door with the usual stares, but they were soon replaced with beaming smiles and a fair few 'Welcome to our Church!'s. I was handed a clearly never-used Chinese/English Hymnal to match the rest of the congregation and a Chinese/English bible. Lock, stock and two shiny books, I was ready for Church.

The building itself looked  (from my more limited experience) to have a sort of Baptist set up. Squarish room with overhead balcony seating, Chinese Gospel Choir (in robes!) and a wonderfully friendly pastor(?) who appeared to be a Chinese Kevin Bacon. I muddled my way through the service, belted out the hymns (in English) and desperately wished that I knew more Chinese as everyone else was laughing along with the pastor who clearly was giving the sermon of his life. Bu hao, must try harder.

Delightfully, once the service had ended, I got a tap on the shoulder to find that Raya (one of the three women I had met in a bakery [and later gone for tea with]) also attended the same church! I feel like a know people here now. Life win :)

Before I move on I would like to share with you two rather strange (and one quite touching) Church-related occurrences:

Whilst I was still living in Guangzhou I asked a college of mine where I might find a Catholic Church within the city. She eagerly replied that there was, in fact a Catholic Cathedral (the biggest in China) with services in English. Still quite gutted I never got to go. Anyway, she had visited it herself a few weekends ago out of personal interest as she 'Wanted to do good, but didn't know why', so was hoping to look into the Christian faith to see if she could find some direction.

The resulting conversation was like nothing I had ever had before. After all my life living in an environment where every person you meet knows (or think they know) at least the basic ins and outs of your religion, I was suddenly faced with the question 'So what is Christianity and what do Christians believe  in?' from someone who had no real pre-conception of what they were asking.

After talking through some of the basics it became apparent that she had actually attended mass in the cathedral .

 Get this: she was confused about why she had been given 'a snack' halfway through the service.

Well, the conversation petered out after I took a little too long to recover from a bad case of the giggles, but it did give me a few things to think about!

Second story: A friend from Xiaolan was kind enough to drive me out to a beautiful peoples park the town over to enjoy some long awaited sunshine. We explored a Buddhist temple within the grounds of the park and after answering some of my questions about the incense and the prayers that people were saying, he asked me if I knew any Christian prayers. I began to recite the Our Father, but he stopped halfway through to ask if I was rapping :) HA!

Gym

After a couple of months, the full effect of enjoying and stuffing my face with delicious Chinese food hit. Hard. Taking leisurely cycles around the town was not quite going to cut it in terms of an exercise quota. The quest for a gym began.

I enlisted the help of one of the Chinese teachers to quest with me- mainly because she knew where the darned place was. She pulled a face, pinched an inch and proclaimed that she probably should exercise too. She hopped onto the back of my bike and we headed off into the town China-style. Halfway through the journey she put an arm around me to steady herself as she rode side-saddle and began to giggle.

'Amber, what's so funny?'

'Hehehehe! [She pinches my stomach as I am bent over riding] I feel better now- because you have one too!'

Ta love.

Anyway ,onward to my wonderful new world of aging treadmills and dubiously numbered weight benches.

I appear to have collected a gaggle of gym buddies who watch my every move. They are all strapping young men (with the exception of one older man who seems to own nothing but tiny shorts) who insist on walking around topless at all times; quite frankly, I have no problem with following suit and scrutinizing them equally. For tips on better form. Obviously.

There is a sort of gym-dad who pops over now and again to make sure that I am doing everything right. The problem is, however, that he doesn't speak  word of English and my Chinese is dubious at best. The combination of gym-dad and the gym gaggle came to an interesting peak earlier this evening when gym dad pottered over to instruct me on the finer points of some machine. As we peered at each other through mutual misunderstanding, the gaggle ambled over to add their spotty English to the mix. We were quickly joined by the gym receptionist who translated the encounter. After a successful communication, gym-dad and receptionist returned to their posts and I was left alone with the gaggle. It was like a social Mexican stand off until I shot a 'Shma?' (What?) across their bows, to which they responded with shrugs, smiles and the sure promise of more shirtless sit-ups. Thank you boys!

More adventures to follow.

P.S. Until further notice, I will have to make up  for the lack of pictures with vivid, varied and vigorous descriptions. A new camera is being scouted.

A word regarding motorcycles. Don't read if you're queasy!

A quick word regarding motorcycles. Always remember when disembarking to either be very careful or NEVER hop off on the right hand size. This is where the exhaust pipe is, as I have learned.

My education resulted in a fist sized piece of my skin straight up falling off, and a Chinglish conversation with a pharmacist who hauled her son out from a back room to demonstrate that he too had recently fallen victim to an exhaust pipe burn. We bonded over our war wounds and he handed me out the door with a dubiously peanut-smelling burn cream. Ah China.

Below is the requested picture- I'll put it a long way down so don't scroll if you don't want to see it!

Pictured: It certainly give the mosquito bites a run for their money.

You know you've been in China for a while when….

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Its been four score and twenty years since I last held my manhood so cheap as to not write to you a blog post here on St. Crispen's Day.

Before I begin I would like to start with a 'Hello!' to everyone is reading. I just figured out how to find out the statistics that are linked with this blog and have a few fun facts!

• One follower- Hello to a Mr. and Mrs. Tindall-Jones.  :)
• Over 2000 views. I would get excited, but I think I know who most of them are from (Hello mother and father!)
• Readers from all manner of places around the world!  Greetings to my readers from South Africa, Bangladesh, Russia, Egypt, Italy, Australia Denmark and  Norway- Hello everyone!
• With all of these  hello's I might just break into the 'Hello' Song that I have been singing to the kids all week. Someone stop me. Please.

SO this week (or rather last week) my dear Laura came for a cheeky visit to these oriental shores. It was not quite as strange to be seeing her here as I thought it would as we are always together in odd places/situations. We should really consider keeping up this alternate gap-yah thing as it means we will always have somewhere interesting to visit each other!

As part and parcel of being tour guide for the week I realised all over again just how different it is to live here. However what Laura was experiencing as new and just a little weird, I had either got used to or just accepted!

You know you've been in China for a while when….

• Someone spits on the street and you don't look twice.
• You realise horns are used instead of mirrors on the roads.
• You are comfortable with pointing at something in characters on the menu and awaiting the surprise that will be dinner.
• You can eat a bowl of noodle soup without getting any on yourself. Two or three of my tops have been sacrificed to training to this end.
• You have been to KTV and LOVED IT (to be explained later)
• You can make chitchat with the lady who runs the fruit and veg stall at the market ('I'm hungry' *Smiles* 'Are you busy today?' *Shrugs* 'Six yuan please.' Always worth a try). Although why they always offer me a cucumber when I walk up still perplexes me.
• You forgo your English sense of public embarrassment and social awkwardness. Fact: you will be stared at whatever you do, and because you don't speak the language, everything you do will take at least twice as long. You learn to deal with it or hide in your apartment and never come out. Getting on the back of a taxi and it taking a good five minutes for the driver to be able to get the engine going whilst all of his taxi friends watch and laugh is a good test of your ability to hold firm against a crimson flush emerging.
• You get extraordinarily good at making small talk in broken chinese/english. Had a 20 minute chat with three lovely young women at a bakery the other day simply because they liked the braids in my hair.
• You get used to people asking for your picture.
• You can outstare the group of 3 young men who have passed you on a moped and slow down to get a better look. Saying 'Boo!' unexpectedly leads to giggle-worthy results.
• You don't miss at all while using the loos. Not even one bit.
• You buy a pot of local spice to put in your cooking. (Nandos extra-hot when I return)
• You see another westerner and look at them funny.
• When something unexplainable occurs you shrug you shoulders and say 'Because China'.

In other news, we did try to have fun while Laura was here… below are the results!

We went shopping in Changshou Lu in Guangzhou and found some rather hilarious knock-off merchandise.

Pictured: spellcheck at its finest

Pictured: Me and my favourite purchase of the day. And no, it was not the charming Geordie fella pouting next to me.

We checked into a hostel in the north of the city and collected just about everyone we could to celebrate me turning the big 22! This included the entire chinese staff of the hostel (about 8 of them!)  all of my lovely mates from Xiaolan who had the day off, some from Foshan, and a selection of other english teachers that I had bumped into during my time in Guangzhou! We made quite the party!

Pictured: Me and my crew. Plus bubble guns just because!

It was a wild night full of joy and exuberance. I ended the night sans camera and phone, but these things happen. (Aaaand I wish they didn't)

The following day (Birthday day!), a rather bedraggled and slightly worse for wear gang headed off into the city in search of some rugby! After the longest ever trek through the metro system and a couple of queasy moments on upsettingly swaying trains we made it!

Pictured: Not overly happy to be doing anything other than being horizontal on a sofa.

Pictured: A welcome sight!

We following an outstanding thunderstorm that delayed the game by a good hour we outshouted a rather cocky American fella (it was his first ever rugby match- I wasn't going to being taking that kind of rubbish on my big day) and watched England's women pound America! I even got a round of 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' in. I felt whole again.

Pictured: Representing!

Pictured: The lake that was the pitch and track. The sky actually turned so dark I thought it might possibly be the second coming.

SO! Home to Xiaolan!

As first order of business we decided to embark on a birthday treat in the form of a massage. There was a place that we were recommended that had just opened and was offering a splendid deal: one hours massage for 30rmb (£3!). What's not to love. Our masseuses were both stunning ad skilled as their clothing left little to the imagination! As this place was advertised as 24/hour I shan't delve into the reputation some of these places have as they gave me oranges and tea, and in my eyes, they cool :) In any case, I felt like putty by the end and wanted to take my wonderful masseuse home with me to be on call!

Pictured: It got a little intimate!

Other notable occurrences:

KTV

All of the teachers had received an invite to a friend's birthday, and in true Chinese style it was held at a KTV place!
Just to explain, KTV is like professional karaoke. Chinese people love it and it was once explained to me that the idea of suddenly becoming a famous overnight due to a hidden talent is hugely popular here. This can we seen in the plethora of reality TV singing shows that are shown on just about every screen you see here. There are advertising screens in taxis, by the lift in my apartment building and even in some loos! This KTV joint was really quite cool, all mirrors and low lights and a palatial entrance hall to add to your sense of grandeur and importance. It was a fabulous evening, although I do think our Chinese party guests were slightly confused when we wailed along to Bohemian Rhapsody. Even as an englishwoman I understand why!

Pictured: In this moment, I felt one in a million.

Longshan Park

On the one sunny (yes, it decided to become monsoon season as soon as Laura arrived) we headed down to Longshan Park which is a beautiful People's Park a short walk from my house. You feel that you have to reconsider criticising communism after visiting a few people's parks as they are government funded and so far, all around stunning.

This particular park ad a five storey pagoda that you could climb and survey your kindgom from. Highlight of the climb was that amongst all the canoodling couples (I will not say either way if Laura and I were among them), there was a group of young men (aged 17-19) who sat, silently enjoying each others company to the sound of Adele's 'Someone Like You'. I like to think that they were present in commiseration and for one of their number who'd had a bad break up. It was a beautiful moment.

Pictured: The Pride Rock of Pagodas, also Laura and I on our Lady-Date.

Pictured: You could also hire boats to venture out onto the lake. Day. Made.

Following soon: the Shanghai Adventure!

Note: Photos courtesy of a one Laura L. Whitaker. My camera is now in the hands of a Chinese man that surely will not appreciate the various duck faces pulled by my friends on my birthday night.

Welcome to Xiaolan Captain, you will be teaching......

A few fun facts about my first week in Xiaolan:

• I work for the Bond Educational Group- some of the first words their representative spoke to Sophie and myself were 'We will look after you here'. Things clearly looking up.
• Moved into our new apartment. Over the moon to have  space to call our own. (see my last post for the video)
• Threw a St. Patricks Day/house warming do. I got a little excited and pinned hand-cut shamrocks everywhere to decorate. Things got festive! 

• My guests got a hold of some electrical tape I had lying around and continued my decorating spree for me. I like to think it adds character to the place.

• I am now essentially friends with all of the taxi drivers. I live across from the central shopping centre in Xiaolan, so every time I walked out with shopping they would all gesture for me to hop in their car to speed home. However, as my apartment block is literally across the road from the shopping centre, I would just point, shrug and non-verbally communicate "Dude, I live, like, just there!'. Now, when one of them starts attempting to beguile me into his cab, his mates elbow him in the ribs, point, and say (I  assume) 'Dude, she lives, like, just there!'
• Some fellow interns bought a turtle. I should really say 'liberated' a turtle as he was technically bound for soup. Additionally, he is technically a she. But they didn't technically find this out about Glen until they googled 'How to tell a turtles gender'. Oops. Anyway, I want one.

• I bought a bicycle. His name is Winston, he is Caroline's (my road bike in the UK) betrothed and my pride and joy. Our time together will be magical.
• I was involved in an English 'corner' in a local park. About 400 people came and I think every single one of them must have taken my picture!

• Being a foreign teacher is a bit like being a local celebrity here. I went to go get lunch at a local noodle place and took a picture with every single member of staff in the whole joint, including what looked like the owners Grandmother. Sound!
• I finally have Mandrin classes! Yay! Was able to order 'Chow Mein with two eggs' in a grammatically correct manner. Boom.
• I already have a local- it is a square in the centre of town with a ton of open air cooking stations. And they sell beer. Perfect.

• Mmmmm. Delicious
• I have been assigned to work exclusively in Kindergardens.

I needed to leave a few lines for that to sink in.

And maybe a few more.

Straight in at the deep end! I work in four different Kindergardens, one of which is a good 45 minute drive away and was my first class. Not only was this my first ever Kindergarden class, it was also a demo class so that the school could decide whether or not to buy more classes from Bond! No pressure!

In any case, it went rather well (they have signed on to have more classes) and they filmed the whole thing! Teaching that class has made me realise that absolute starters entail nothing but mimicry. Holding up a blue balloon and saying 'It's blue', is actually too complicated- chanting 'Blue, blue blue!' is the correct way to go about it. That or making up a song.

In fact, here is a sample of next weeks class!

You will now hear it in your dreams.

Teaching at this level is certainly going to be very different to what I have prepared for, but while it comes with its own challenges, it certainly comes with rewards! Hilarously, the game that has gone down the best this week has been a form of child Bop-it: the kid raises their hand and says the correct vocab word = I bop them on the head with a balloon. Radical. They were screaming 'Let me try!' for the next 5 minutes!

A few other fun facts regarding Kindergarden for the week

• Naps, every classroom has a specific area for the children to have their midday sleep in. I'm not going to lie and say that I am not jealous.

• One of the classes that I taught was essentially an after school english club. Translates as 'babysitting children who don't speak your language'. Was rather fun, I think they learned all four primary colours.

At least these ones did, the ones running around in the background were kind of a lost cause from the start.

• Chinese 5-6 year olds really struggle to say 'Kathryn', have now been christened 'Captain' in more that one class. I'm cool with that.
• I will never get sick of the expression on chinese kids faces when I pull my gigantic union flag out of my bag. That’s right, I'm British. You are cool by proxy.
• I will know a song for just about everything you can think of by the time I am done with this internship.
• Also, I wish to teach my children a song by the time I have finished. Suggest things to me :)

I will now go read 'War and Peace ' to rejuvenate my brain cells. Thank you and goodnight!

Placement 2.0

My name is Kathryn, welcome to my crib :)

Apologies if you end up a little sea-sick from my camera work!

WHAT a week (Part 2: The Great Escape)

My tale continues….

Hospital

Upon arrival back into the fair city of Guangzhou, elated at having seen our friends, we were struck forcefully by the utterly rubbish living space we were returning to. The week progressed, we turned up for our office hours in the dungeon (no windows and had rats- believe it) and I taught my first middle school class (see part 1). However, I was becoming increasingly aware of small pin-prick looking marks appearing in groups on my arms and feet. Unfortunately they swelled up until it became apparent that I was dealing with a severe case of bedbugs. Ugh. After much exclamation and my protestations that simply changing the sheets on my bed would not solve the problem, I was given a new room.

Next door.

That night I was quite simply eaten alive.

These are my feet following treatment- the rest of me was a little gross, but you get the picture!

Upon frightening the children at class the next day with the state of my arms and face I was taken to hospital by two of my lovely co-teachers.

About Chinese hospitals: they are HUGE. The one I was taken to was a university training hospital, but there was another around the corner from the office that was the speciality eye hospital for the entire province. Essentially, on the walk to work, it appeared that everyone on the street was auditioning for a place on Bluebeards next piratical venture. Eyepatches all round. But I digress, back to MY hospital. In order to be seen by a doctor you need to first purchase a ticket (like at a deli), by filling in all kinds of forms on Chinese and having your blood pressure taken. Thank the lord for my two lovely escorts. It was a little weird to be taking pictures inside a hospital, but I must share with you the nurses uniforms.

Pictured: Forgive me, I found this one on the internet. However, look at her hat! Seriously old school, and gave them a delightful air of authority.

Upon having my blood pressure and heart rate recorded in my medical file (that’s right- I now have a medical  file in Chinese) I was led up a maze of austere stairs and corridors, past patients with beds in the hallway (it is cheaper not to have a room!) and finally to a small, tucked away office. The three Chinese doctors on the inside were wonderfully friendly and professional- we did have to google-translate the word 'anti-histamine' but the message got through in the end!

Onward again through the maze to pay for my medicine, and then off again to find it! Medicine is distributed from a small window much like at a bank and there is a surprisingly large amount of it!

Pictured: not bad for £4.10!

The last adventure before we left was finding the lady with the needle to give me my anti-bed bug itch shot (poorly translated, but you understand). I was a little perturbed when I sat on the bed behind the screen and the nurse (complete with hat) began patting my hip. I scootched along the bed, but the shaking of her head revealed that we were having a lost in translation moment. It was only when she mimed standing up and pulling trousers down did I realise I was in for a treat. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the best place for a three inch needle is your derrière. Deep and abiding joy.

In the end the whole situation ended up being a bit of a giggle as my co-workers were lending me support from the other side of the curtain. When I exited I gave the next customer (a 16 year old young man) the thumbs up and a 'Don't worry, its not to bad!', he flashed me a winning smile and reassured me 'Thanks, I'll be okay'. Cross cultural commiseration at its best :)

Summation of events: allergic reaction to 100+ bed bug bites, free tour of a chinese hospital complete with realistic injection experience, large amount of drugs and a pat on the head. All in one night. A lucky girl indeed.

Extraction!

Following strict instruction that I was not to return to my place of work, I packed all of my belongings into vacuum sealed bin liners and fled the scene of the crime. Checking into a hotel in the city centre I scouted out a dry cleaners and with the help of the world-wide-web of friends and family, managed to get the translation for 'Please oh please dry everything until the buggers are dead' (thanks Model- you're a star!).

Pictured: Utterly everything de-loused

A day later the good Sophie joined me at my place of refuge and repeated the process.

Pictured: Seriously, we are experts at this now.

We anxiously awaited news of our fate for a couple of days…..

Pictured: So very anxious, can't you see the worry lines on my face?

Pictured: We went to the Zoo, people took pictures of us instead of the animals. ( I do wonder why)

Until the news finally came: we were heading down to Xiaolan to join some fellow interns working for a local language school! Apartment etc. would be included. We were literally over the moon!

View Larger Map

BUT! The drama wasn't over yet! At 10pm on our final night, whilst finishing packing I received a phone call from the office manager to ask whether or not I was feeling well enough to teach the next morning! Clearly there were some lines of communication missing as the education company we were working for had forgotten to mention to the teachers that I would not, in fact, be available to teach six middle school classes the next day. Oops.

Half an hour later (10:30pm)  the CEO of the company and the head of the language department turned up outside our hotel to apologise for our treatment!

They brought us each a box of these:

Pictured: Well, if you insist!

And proceeded to try and convince us to stay! As we backed away towards the elevators, assurances of guest beds at the CEO's own home and private doctors flew thick and fast. We escaped with the knowledge that we now completely understood the chinese concept of 'loosing face', and that we were still, very assuredly, leaving the next morning.

The adventure continues ……

WHAT a week! (Part 1)

So

The short version:

After two weeks of 'grin and bear it' from the good Sophie and myself, we have been  extracted from our school placement. The straw that broke the camel's back was the fact that I had to go to hospital to be treated for a severe reaction to a perturbing large amount of bed bug bites. Quite frankly, I think they will need to join weightwatchers after the feast they must have had. Ugggghh. Gross. We are now checked into a hotel and awaiting news of our new placement!

The long version:

Hi there folks, its been a while! There is a lot to tell y'all so I'll break it down:

Teaching

Teaching is fun. Generally. Our job here is to teach oral English, and quite frankly when there are a group of children sitting in your class who are used to memorisation and repetition being the norm of their education, a game filled English class is a welcome break. My job here (for a week at least) was to teach at a weekend school where the children had been sent by their parents to ensure that they were truly succeeding in mastering the English language. These classes were fun. Mostly. The students got a kick out of an actually English English teacher running their class, but the glow was tarnished slightly by the fact that were still in school on a Sunday. The highlight of my few classes probably being showing a child a flashcard for 'Gangam Style' during charades when clearly they were expecting a variation on 'put  on my shoes'. For those of you reading who are unsure of what Gangam Style is- I have provided a link below. I apologise in advance.

All this being said, I taught Grade 7 at a local Middle School for one day and it was possibly the most fun I have had since arriving in this country. In few of the classes that I walked into, the students stopped what they were doing and just stared open mouthed and (delightfully) in most cases, scrambled into their seats in eagerness to find out just who on earth I was and where on earth I came from! I introduced myself in most cases by simply pulling a huge Union flag from my backpack!

Pictured: Claiming the Great Wall for the Queen with said flag

And followed it up with a short intro about England. Was expecting most of the answers I got (Harry Potter! Big Ben! David Beckham - expected as his face is bizarrely on all of their toothbrushes), but the kid that called out 'Agatha Christie! The Deeee-tec-tive writer!' threw me slightly. They gaped (again) at my short clip from the Olympics (Mr Bond and her Majesty at their finest).

Shortly after my first class a gaggle (or rather a 'giggle') of girls came running up to me to ask in hushed tones 'Lao shi, how tall are you?'. Following a metric-imperial stalemate they rushed off to convert '5 foot 11' into something they could understand. After clearly being stumped by my mumbled 'uuumm, I think one inch is 2.5cm?' they accosted me again at lunchtime with a tape measure! I can now confirm that I am, in fact, 180cm tall. Their request for pictures of my siblings (all four of you giants) will sadly never come to fruition, but I was buoyed by their enthusiasm. :)

Visiting Friends in Xiaolan

So! Following the first week of being thrown into teaching (e.g. Thursday afternoon: 'Oh, glad you came in today, here is your schedule for this weekend and a stack of books- you are teaching nine classes each '!), we decided to take a breather and head down to the high-speed railway to escape to the country! Rocked up to the train station

Pictured: slightly mind bending reflective floor and ceiling combination

Where it appeared that everyone and their mother was trying to get home after a weekend in the city. Eventually got on a train after a fair amount of gesturing ('No, the cheapest *points downwards* seat?') to speed away and spend a DEeeelightful evening and day away.

Pictured: My state of morning repose. My recumbent position had nothing to do with the fragility with which I met daybreak.

 PART 2: To be posted soon!